Everyone wants some space, right? At times, we want space from co-workers, neighbors, roommates, friends, and even family. As Ben Franklin said, “Love your neighbor; yet don’t pull down your hedge.” The space I’ve been working on, however, is designed to pull down my hedge. The space I’ve been creating paradoxically brings me and others closer together. The space of which I write is the space between stimulus and response.
When someone speaks to me, I should diligently listen and contemplate her words. I often have struggled to listen carefully because my tendency is to jump-in and say something. At times when I actually have enough self-control not to jump-in, I tend to focus on what I want to say when the chance arises. Because of my focus on what I want to say, I still don’t listen as well as I should.
By consciously creating space between the speaker’s words–the stimulus–and my commentary–the response–I force myself to allow the speaker time to finish talking. For starters, allowing a speaker to finish shows respect. With space, I also allow the speaker’s words to sink-in for my thoughtful consideration. Further, space reduces the chance of a knee-jerk reaction from me.
Reducing the chance of a knee-jerk reaction is especially helpful when the stimulus is provocative. If someone makes a statement with which I disagree, a quick retort can be counterproductive. A retort can change the conversational context from one of respectful consideration to one of unnecessary conflict and stifling defensiveness. If someone says or does something offensive, my releasing an equally offensive response might feel good momentarily but likely only will serve to escalate the negativity of the situation and cause regret.
Creating space between the provocative stimulus and my response allows me to stay calm and carry on. At a minimum, I won’t make an insidious encounter worse. Moreover, if the conflict is merely a matter of opinion, space gives me the opportunity to learn something from the other person. Perhaps I will learn about the subject matter, and if not, I at least will learn something about the other person. If the conflict involves offense, creating space allows me to consider why it is that I consider the words or actions of another offensive. I can reflect on how I feel, and I can decide if I want to have an emotional reaction to the offense or not. Space allows me to construct my thoughts and to determine what my response will be or if a response is warranted at all.
In conclusion, consciously creating space between stimulus and response helps me to be a better listener. Being a better listener helps me to be a better counselor, a better friend, a better father, a better spouse, and a better student of life. Also, creating space between stimulus and response helps me retain sovereignty over my mind, craft my thoughts, control my emotions, choose my actions, develop equanimity, and be at peace.
How about you? How could consciously creating space between stimulus and response improve your life?
P. Gustav Mueller, author of The Present
Relevant Quotes:
Stephen R. Covey, author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People:
“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”
“If I were to summarize in one sentence the single most important principle I have learned in the field of interpersonal relations, it would be this: Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” (In many cases, P. Gustav Mueller would shorten this to, “Seek to understand, period.”)
Zeno of Citium, 334 – 262 BC, Founder of Stoicism:
“We have two ears and one mouth, therefore we should listen twice as much as we speak.”
Seneca, 4 BC – 65 AD, Roman Stoic Philosopher:
“We are more often frightened than hurt; and we suffer more from imagination than from reality.”
“Anger, if not restrained, is frequently more hurtful to us than the injury that provokes it.”
“It is the power of the mind to be unconquerable.”
Epictetus, 55 – 135 AD, Greek Stoic Philosopher:
“No man is free who is not master of himself.”
“It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.”
“Men are disturbed not by the things that happen, but by their opinion of the things that happen.”
Marcus Aurelius, 121 – 180 AD, Roman Emperor and Stoic Philosopher:
“You have power over your mind – not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.”
“Our life is what our thoughts make it.”
“Reject your sense of injury and the injury itself disappears.”
“Begin each day by telling yourself: Today I shall be meeting with interference, ingratitude, insolence, disloyalty, ill-will, and selfishness – all of them due to the offenders’ ignorance of what is good or evil.”
The Bible:
“Therefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath;” James 1:19